Fun Size Bytes


  1. The Article About Health Which Nearly Caused Me To Overdose On AYFKMWTS

    I just read 9 Health Habits Worth Rethinking and I’m fairly sure that it was hazardous to my health for two reasons: first, it can’t be healthy to be exposed to this much stupidity at once; second: my blood pressure definitely went up about 40% from the amount of AYFKMWTS in this article.

    Some selections:

    It’s not always easy to know what’s good for us and what’s not, especially because medical advice keeps changing as new research emerges. (Remember when eating eggs was considered a no-no?) But never fear: We have the lowdown on 10 potentially worrisome everyday habits so you will know just when you can—and can’t—relax.

    OK, well, here’s the first problem. Did you notice the title of the article? In case you’re a goldfish, I’ll remind you: 9 Health Habits Worth Rethinking.

    Now this:

    But never fear: We have the lowdown on 10 potentially worrisome everyday habits so you will know just when you can—and can’t—relax.

    Back to the title:

    9 Health Habits Worth Rethinking

    Then the intro:

    We have the lowdown on 10 potentially worrisome everyday habits

    I’ll save you the wondering: there are only 9 in the article.

    Now I’m worried. Did the original article have 10? And if so, why was it removed? Was it because “they” didn’t want me to know about it?

    Ok, so now here’s the list, which is presented in a “If You Do This Thing in the first line, then read the thing in the second line” format.

    You Skip a Birth-Control Pill Now and Then

    The verdict: It won’t kill you, but… It could get you pregnant.

    WHAT? NOT TAKING BIRTH CONTROL WILL GET YOU PREGNANT?!? GTFO! HOW HAS THIS NOT BEEN ON THE NEWS?!?!??!

    You Load Up Your Coffee With Extras

    The verdict: It won’t kill you, but… A heavy hand with the condiments adds empty calories to your diet—especially if you go for extra-large drinks, because you’re adding more flavorings than you would for a small cup.

    WHOA… WHOA… WHOA… YOU MEAN THAT IF I PUT STUFF INTO A THING THAT I DRINK, THOSE CALORIES COUNT?!?! WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!

    You Use Your Kitchen Sponge Till It Shreds

    The verdict: It won’t kill you, but… That sponge sitting in your sink is germier than you might realize, according to a study in the American Journal of Infection Control, which found that squeezing out a wet kitchen sponge could leave up to a million potentially illness-causing bacteria (like salmonella and E. coli) on your hands. If you use it to clean your sink or counters—especially after you’ve mopped up raw meat and poultry juices and only quickly rinsed the sponge—you’re just spreading those germs all over the place.

    SOMEONE ALERT 1963! WE HAVE A NEWS FLASH!

    You Scarf Down Lunch at Your Desk

    The verdict: It won’t kill you, but… When you nosh as you work, especially if you’re sitting in front of your computer, you’re more likely to overeat, according to research in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. When we’re distracted, the study showed, we tend not to recall very much about what we’ve just put in our mouths.

    THAT EXPLAINS ALL THE A.L.B.S. (ACCIDENTAL LUNCHTIME BLOWJOBS)! WHAT? YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT A.L.B.S. ARE A WORKPLACE EPIDEMIC? I GUESS WE KNOW WHO HASN’T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT GOES INTO THEIR MOUTH WHILE WORKING AT THEIR DESK AT LUNCH.

    You Text While You Walk

    The verdict: Danger! Danger! Being absorbed in your smartphone while crossing the street is a really great way to become roadkill. In a recent study, people who traversed several busy intersections while texting were four times less likely than nontexters to look before they crossed, cross with the light or stay in the crosswalk.

    THEY DID A STUDY… TO SHOW THAT TEXTING WHILE WALKING IN BUSY INTERSECTIONS WAS A BAD IDEA. A STUDY. SOMEONE PAID FOR THAT.

    It also took them two seconds longer to navigate the intersection.

    SO THAT’S WHERE THE TIME GOES. I’VE ALWAYS WONDERED.

    “Crossing less cautiously and spending more time in the intersection raises the risk of being hit by a car. We certainly saw some near-misses,” says senior study author Beth Ebel, MD, director of the Harborview Injury Prevention and Research Center at the University of Washington. “It’s dangerous to text when you’re doing tasks that require your full concentration.”

    “BETH EBEL” IS HEBREW FOR “NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.”

    You Pop OTC Pain Relievers Like Candy

    The verdict: Danger! Danger! Stuff hurts and you want it to stop, so you pop an Advil or a Tylenol. Nothing wrong with that. But where this habit starts getting a bit troublesome is if you’re regularly taking a lot more than the prescribed daily amount.

    THIS JUST IN: REGULARLY TAKING MORE THAN THE PRESCRIBED DAILY AMOUNT OF MEDICATION IS A BAD THING. REPEAT: YOU SHOULD NOT TAKE MORE MEDICATION PER DAY THAN IS SUGGESTED FOR A DAILY AMOUNT. ONCE AGAIN, JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, THE DAILY AMOUNT OF MEDICATION IS THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT YOU SHOULD TAKE.

    If you’re going to take more than the prescribed dose for an extended period, tell your doctor.

    RELATED: IF YOU PLAN TO BREAK TRAFFIC LAWS, TELL YOUR LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT.

    You Blow Off Going to the Doctor

    The verdict: It won’t kill you, but… It’s very important that you get all your regular preventive screenings

    WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO INFORM YOU THAT REGULAR PREVENTIVE MEDICAL SCREENINGS ARE IMPORTANT. THAT SHOULD SETTLE A LOT OF BAR BETS.

    like Pap smears

    I CAN’T BELIEVE MY DOCTOR HASN’T SUGGESTED ONE OF THOSE FOR ME.

    And you really should visit your doctor if you’re not feeling well, says Ateev Mehtora, MD

    APPARENTLY “ATEEV MEHTORA” IS HINDI FOR “BETH EBEL.”

    (n.b. Not to cast aspersions on the veracity of this clëarly excëllent article, but the man’s name is actually Ateev Mehrotra not “Methora”.)

    "In a 2007 study we did, most preventive tests ended up being ordered when patients saw their physicians because they were feeling ill."

    TURNSOUT™ THAT WHEN YOU GO TO THE DOCTOR BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT FEELING WELL, THEY ORDER TESTS. WHAT WON’T THEY THINK OF NEXT?!

    In an ideal world, you’d also see your primary-care doctor for annual physicals. That way, she can check your vitals, update your chart and recommend any screenings you’re missing out on—and you have a chance to talk to her about any issues you’ve been having. That said, if you slip up and skip a year, don’t panic: A recent Danish study found that going in for yearly checkups simply because it’s “that time again” doesn’t lower your risk of an early death. However, do schedule that appointment, if you can, just to be on the safe side.

    SEE YOUR DOCTOR SO SHE (DID YOU NOTICE WE SAID SHE SO YOU WOULDN’T THINK WE WERE SEXIST?) CAN RUN TESTS WHICH WON’T LOWER YOUR RISK OF DYING BUT DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE SQUIRREL.

    There were two items in the list which were not mind-numbingly stupid and obvious.

    Not Entirely Stupid Item Number One:

    You Weigh Yourself Daily

    The verdict: No worries! Really!

    WHAT?! BUT I ALWAYS HEARD THAT IT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA TO WEIGH MYSELF DAILY?! NOW YOU’RE TELLING ME IT’S NOT?! WELL, IN THAT CASE:

    PRESSES INTERCOM BUTTON “PEGGY, ADD A REMINDER TO MY CALENDAR TO WEIGH MYSELF EVERY 15 MINUTES.”

    PEGGY (OVER INTERCOM): “EVERY 15 MINUTES?! THAT’S ABSURD. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?”

    PRESSES INTERCOM BUTTON “DAMMIT, PEGGY, THIS ARTICLE JUST SAID THAT IT WASN’T A BAD IDEA TO WEIGH MYSELF EVERY DAY, SO CLEARLY I NEED TO WEIGH MYSELF EVERY 15 MINUTES”

    PEGGY (OVER INTERCOM): “IF IT SAID EVERY DAY WAS OK, WHY WOULD YOU WANT A REMINDER EVERY 15 MINUTES?!”

    PRESSES INTERCOM BUTTON “DON’T ARGUE WITH ME! I’VE READ AN ARTICLE ON THE INTERNET SO I AM OBVIOUSLY AN EXPERT!”

    Now, we’re not suggesting that you step on the scale every 15 minutes:

    PRESSES INTERCOM BUTTON “PEGGY… CANCEL MY 15 MINUTE WEIGH-INS.”

    The trick is to approach the scale as a source of data, not judgment, Wing notes. So even if you’re up a smidge, don’t let it tank your day. “Daily weigh-ins allow you to detect small changes before they become big changes,” Dr. Wing says. “If you’re up 1 pound, you can adjust your eating for a few days and lose it. If you’re up 10 pounds, that’s going to take some time and work.”

    IF YOU’RE UP 10 POUNDS SINCE YOUR LAST DAILY WEIGH-IN, IT MIGHT BE TIME TO CALL THAT DOCTOR YOU SEE WHEN YOU’RE SICK.

    Not Entirely Stupid Item Number Two Which Should Have Been “Number One” Because PUN!:

    You Sit Your Bare Butt on Public Toilet Seats.

    The verdict: No worries! Really!

    WHAT? WOW. REALLY? HUH.

    The toilet seat is probably the cleanest thing you’ll touch in a public restroom

    AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    THAT FACTOID WAS REALLY NOT AS COMFORTING AS YOU APPARENTLY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

    “There’s this idea that if you sit on a toilet seat you’re going to get some dreaded disease,” Dr. Streicher says. “That’s just not going to happen. Things like gonorrhea, syphilis and HIV don’t live on surfaces.

    MOSTLY I WAS AFRAID THE GUY BEFORE ME MIGHT HAVE PEED ALL OVER THE DAMN SEAT… BUT GLAD TO KNOW I WON’T GET AN STD FROM SITTING ON THE TOILET SEAT.

    And your vagina doesn’t touch the toilet seat; it hangs over the bowl.”

    MY VAGINA DOES WHAT NOW?

    So hovering is unnecessary—and might be more of a nuisance than anything: “When you crouch, you might not empty your bladder completely, so you’ll have to go again sooner,” Dr. Streicher says.

    NOT TO MENTION THAT YOU’LL PROBABLY PEE ALL OVER THE DAMN SEAT.

    “I’m a gynecologist, and I sit down firmly on public toilet seats.”

    TRUST ME, I’M A DOCTOR.

  2. Is it 5 o’clock yet?

    The secretary came to me this morning all up in arms because her ‘2012’ folder (containing everything that she did in 2012) was “gone.”

    I checked and indeed it was not where it should be.

    I checked her Dropbox.com account (because all of her important files are stored in Dropbox) and it said that the ‘2012’ folder was deleted on January 30th at 2pm.

    "Well I didn’t delete it!” she said.

    Sure, because you know people are always breaking into the office to delete folders off your computer.

    During work-day hours.

    When you are in the office.

    Turns out she had unintentionally moved the 2012 folder into another folder.

    Last week she needed help 1) downloading an image from her email and 2) importing that image into a Word document.

    She has been using computers for over a decade.

    I know that she must have done these things before.

    She’s either forgetting how to do what little she knows how to do, or she’s just deciding that it’s easier to ask me to do it for her.

    Either way, it’s not a good development.

  3. 
  It’s ‘Throw Open Our Office Doors To People Who Want To Discuss Things That We Could Care Less About… Day’ — Toby


I love the “Big Block of Cheese” episodes of West Wing, and The Crackpots and These Women is a great one, but that line hurt me.

These are not “things we could care less about” they are “things we could not care less about.”

Saying “I could care less about X” means “it would be possible for me to not care about X as much as I do.

What Toby is clearly trying to say is “it would be impossible for me to care less about X.”

Toby never would have made that mistake.

Someone who writes speeches for a living, who cares deeply for the English language, would not make that mistake.

(That’s almost as bad as the time that Mulder (who we are told is an Oxford educated Rhodes scholar) referred to the last book of the Christian Bible as Revelations.)

And don’t tell me “it’s an idiom, so it’s OK.” No, it’s not. Some idioms are stupid and just shouldn’t be used.

For example: there is an Ohio (midwest?) idiom “wouldn’t care to” which also drives me nuts.  People say “I wouldn’t care to do X” which actually means “I wouldn’t mind doing X” or “I would be willing to do X”. Or they’ll ask you to do something by saying “If you wouldn’t care to do X”.

That one took me awhile to figure out because someone kept saying it to me in an email, which of course meant I couldn’t hear her tone of voice and kept thinking she was saying she did not want to do X when the rest of the message sounded like she would do X.

This has been your afternoon grammar/syntax rant.

</rant>

    It’s ‘Throw Open Our Office Doors To People Who Want To Discuss Things That We Could Care Less About… Day’ — Toby

    I love the “Big Block of Cheese” episodes of West Wing, and The Crackpots and These Women is a great one, but that line hurt me.

    These are not “things we could care less about” they are “things we could not care less about.”

    Saying “I could care less about X” means “it would be possible for me to not care about X as much as I do.

    What Toby is clearly trying to say is “it would be impossible for me to care less about X.”

    Toby never would have made that mistake.

    Someone who writes speeches for a living, who cares deeply for the English language, would not make that mistake.

    (That’s almost as bad as the time that Mulder (who we are told is an Oxford educated Rhodes scholar) referred to the last book of the Christian Bible as Revelations.)

    And don’t tell me “it’s an idiom, so it’s OK.” No, it’s not. Some idioms are stupid and just shouldn’t be used.

    For example: there is an Ohio (midwest?) idiom “wouldn’t care to” which also drives me nuts. People say “I wouldn’t care to do X” which actually means “I wouldn’t mind doing X” or “I would be willing to do X”. Or they’ll ask you to do something by saying “If you wouldn’t care to do X”.

    That one took me awhile to figure out because someone kept saying it to me in an email, which of course meant I couldn’t hear her tone of voice and kept thinking she was saying she did not want to do X when the rest of the message sounded like she would do X.

    This has been your afternoon grammar/syntax rant.

    </rant>

  4. Mini Rant

    When I tell you (not you) that the staff have been underpaid by $8,000 this year, and your answer is “I’m not sure where we’ll get it from… not that you don’t deserve it” the part that I was waiting to hear was “But I’ll make sure we make this right.”

    You may be planning to make it right (and trust me, I’m planning that you’re going to make it right), but you didn’t say you’re going to make it right… or anything other than that (above) and “Why didn’t anyone notice before now?”

    Well, you are the chair of Budget and Finance, why didn’t you notice before? I asked the treasurer, who told me that it was correct, and the decrease was due to tax changes. And because it was his job and not my job, I trusted that the answer was true.

    I bet if there was an overpayment instead of an underpayment we would have talked about the plan to balance it out.