Fun Size Bytes


  1. “He’s a retriever, not a bring-backer!”

There are some conversations which stay with you (read: haunt) you forever, especially when they are captured in text messages.

Like the day when The Wife — who was studying to be a Veterinary Technician forgot that the word “retriever” in “golden retriever” actually did mean “bring backer.”

My favorite part of this is that it took 12 minutes (compare 5:05 p.m. timestamp to 5:17 p.m. timestamp) for her to realize what she’d said.

Sure it was 2½ years ago, but we still talk about it.

To her credit, at some point after this she came up with the phrase “Golden Reliever” to describe what Noah is (a taker-away-et instead of a retriever) although it does have an unfortunately similar sounding name to pee.



As Robin (IIRC) described him: “Decorative, not Functional.”

    “He’s a retriever, not a bring-backer!”

    There are some conversations which stay with you (read: haunt) you forever, especially when they are captured in text messages.

    Like the day when The Wife — who was studying to be a Veterinary Technician forgot that the word “retriever” in “golden retriever” actually did mean “bring backer.”

    My favorite part of this is that it took 12 minutes (compare 5:05 p.m. timestamp to 5:17 p.m. timestamp) for her to realize what she’d said.

    Sure it was 2½ years ago, but we still talk about it.

    To her credit, at some point after this she came up with the phrase “Golden Reliever” to describe what Noah is (a taker-away-et instead of a retriever) although it does have an unfortunately similar sounding name to pee.

    As Robin (IIRC) described him: “Decorative, not Functional.”

  2. image

    wifeoftj replied to your post: “It’s five o’clock in the republic of Fukuistan, that’s where.”:

    Population of Fukuistan?

    If $X equals the entire population of the planet. Population of Fukuistan = $X-1

  3. Texts with The Wife At Work

    • Her:
      Thing I just said: "I like to take my rings off when I do anal glands."

    • Me:
      Your commitment to our marriage is commendable.

    • Her:
      Later: "what's the secret to tight sphincters?"

    • Me:
      A few deep breaths and some Vaseline?*

    • Her:
      May have just read that aloud!

    • Her:
      Now they all want to come to your church!

    • Me:
      The (back) door is always open!


  4. Mom likes her more than me anyway…

    Scene: Mom was doing laundry, and asked me to put in whatever I had, which wasn’t much but she added it to what she was doing anyway. The following conversation happened as she was sorting them after they came out of the dryer.

    Mom: “Is it possible that you were wearing two similar-but-different black socks?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Mom: “And how did that happen?”

    Me: “Tracey doesn’t concern herself with being overly specific when it comes to matching socks.”

    Mom:

    Me:

    Mom: “Oh. Ok.”

  5. Actual Conversation Between Lindsay and Me about the Tumblr post about the 9/11 rescue dogs

    Me: Did you see that post on Tumblr today about the 9/11 rescue dogs?

    Lindsay: Why are you adopting all of them?!?!

    Me: No… I just ordered a copy of the book for Tracey… But thanks for making that seem like a huge disappointment.

    Lindsay: It would be a ridiculous question if I was talking to anyone else.

    sigh

    I’d be mad if she wasn’t right.

    Whatever she still loved the book.

  6. Remember that book about the 9/11 rescue dogs?

    Some things are just obvious.

    She loves it.

    (To be clear: it’s a fairly short book, just pictures of the dogs and a very short biographical note about each one at the end. An unfortunate number of them have the face in or near the crease of a two-page spread. She doesn’t care.)

    Amazon.com

  7. Kat’s First CHSH: “I don’t remember much about it or remember meeting many people, except someone touched me inappropriately.”

    Everyone: “That would be Tracey.”

    Kat at this year’s CHSH: “Is Tracey here? I wore my push-up bra!”

  8. This looks like a scene from a John Hughes movie. That I would totally like to watch.

  9. A Late Entry for Mother of the Year

    The Boy and I arrive home, take care of the dogs, etc.

    The Boy: “I’m going to go make a hot dog.”

    The Wife arrives home, comes in, sees a hot dog bun on the counter, breaks it up into 4 pieces, and feeds each piece to the dogs.

    “What did you think the hot dog bun was doing out?!” asked The Boy. “I was getting myself a hot dog out of the refrigerator. And that was the last bun!”

    “You literally took food from your child, and fed it to the dogs!” I added.

    You see this sort of thing all the time with addictive behavior: people don’t even realize that they have lost all sense of reason and perspective.

    No “hey is this out for a reason?”

    No “is someone going to eat this?”

    Saw it, decided to feed it to the dogs, and did.

    Crazy.

    Dog.

    Lady.

  10. lindstifa:

And then she made us dinner.

I like this chick. I might ask her to marry me.

    lindstifa:

    And then she made us dinner.

    I like this chick. I might ask her to marry me.

  11. I’m not saying @wifeoftj was more than a little excited to have her picture taken with Captain America, but when we were at the ticket counter, she said “One for Captain America, please.”

Me: “‘One’? Really? I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE!”

Her: “Oh… right. Two, I guess.”

    I’m not saying @wifeoftj was more than a little excited to have her picture taken with Captain America, but when we were at the ticket counter, she said “One for Captain America, please.”

    Me: “‘One’? Really? I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE!”

    Her: “Oh… right. Two, I guess.”

  12. December 17th

    On this day, some many-number-of-years-ago[1] “The Friend” became “The Girlfriend”.[2]

    2½ years later,[3] she became “The Wife”.

    Please keep a good thought for her as she has a job interview this morning at 9:30 US/Eastern. Although I know that they’ll absolutely love her, she’s nervous about it.

    She’s nervous about it for all of the usual reasons, plus some. The Boy, who was been used to having her around all the time, had a really difficult time near the end of her schooling when I was trying to finish The Damn Thesis. He’s not thrilled with the idea of her going back to work, for purely selfish reasons, which is OK, because he’s 11, and that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re 11 and love your mom.

    I’ve tried to convince her – and she, in turn, has tried to convince him – that this will be very different, because she won’t be gone for days at a time, and I’m done done done. But change is hard, especially when you’re 11.

    Anyway, if you have a moment to send her a note of encouragement via email/iMessage/carrier pigeon— (wait…) she could use it: tracey@luo.ma

    As for me, I’m headed down to see Dr. Hott– err, I mean, the surgeon who did my sinus surgery. Can you believe it’s been a year? Yeah, I know, you haven’t given it a second thought.

    Nice.

    No, I will not ask him if he’s still married.

    No, I will definitely not ask and then add “Happily?” if he says yes.

    Ok, I’ll check for the ring, but that’s it.

    What was I saying?

    Oh, right… think a good thought for The Wife, because traditionally nothing good happens to her on this day. :-P



    1. Twenty One. It was 21 years ago. Our relationship is now old enough to drink. Which is even funnier when you realize that we were only 19-almost–20 at the time.  ↩

    2. Actually, looking at the clock, it was probably about right now, as I write this in the wee small hours before queuing it up for the morning.  ↩

    3. to the day. We started dating on December 17th and got married on June 17th. We still refer to December 17th as our “half-anniversary.” Shut up. It’s charming. We’re adorable.  ↩

  13. Totally Random Thursday Event: Mr & Mrs Girldetective happened to be passing by on their way to Florida and posted a picture of the Mothman which The Wife saw and contacted them before they had a chance to escape.

We met for coffee and dessert before they got back on the road at a diner just down the street from the church, so we gave them the quick tour.

I believe Rachel’s comment was “JEWS IN THE CHURCH! JEWS IN THE CHURCH!” I offered a complimentary baptism, which is probably why she  kept her hat on. (Either that or the “feels like 20ºF” air outside.)

They are off again, trying to make as much distance as they can tonight.

Anyway, safe travels! Have fun storming America’s Dong!

(And a reminder to anyone else passing through SE Ohio/West Virginia — we have a guest room available! Comes with unlimited access to three goofyass dogs!)

    Totally Random Thursday Event: Mr & Mrs Girldetective happened to be passing by on their way to Florida and posted a picture of the Mothman which The Wife saw and contacted them before they had a chance to escape.

    We met for coffee and dessert before they got back on the road at a diner just down the street from the church, so we gave them the quick tour.

    I believe Rachel’s comment was “JEWS IN THE CHURCH! JEWS IN THE CHURCH!” I offered a complimentary baptism, which is probably why she kept her hat on. (Either that or the “feels like 20ºF” air outside.)

    They are off again, trying to make as much distance as they can tonight.

    Anyway, safe travels! Have fun storming America’s Dong!

    (And a reminder to anyone else passing through SE Ohio/West Virginia — we have a guest room available! Comes with unlimited access to three goofyass dogs!)

  14. "STEVE!" "ALAN!"

    The Wife reminded me of this tonight, and we could not remember the “non Steve” name for a LONG time… so I decided to report this. It occurs to me some of you have not seen this:

  15. My amazing Pastor

    wifeoftj:

    I really wish I could teleport y’all to our church on Sunday mornings so that you could hear Tj preach. This morning’s sermon was amazing, like woah! I got chills. It went from funny (relating Mary’s pregnancy with Jesus to mine with Ethan, thus causing The Boy to blush) to informative (the Magnificat may have actually been said by Elizabeth, not Mary) to “holy smokes he’s on fire with righteous anger” when he talked about how some so called “Christians” were responding to the Newtown tragedy. What I’ll take away from it most is this: ” instead of trying to place blame and pointing fingers, pray for those in pain and embrace with love.” Amen

    First off: Gross. No one came here to listen to you talk about your feelings.

    Secondly: I’m going to talk about mine now too. Feel free to ‘next’…

    It occurred to me this week that the reading was about Mary (mother of Jesus) and Elizabeth (mother of John the Baptizer), two women who were not supposed to be pregnant (Mary, because she was young and unmarried, and Elizabeth because she was ‘old’).

    Then it occurred to me that both of these mothers outlived these sons.

    (John was beheaded after a king basically got turned on by a girl who danced in front of him, and offered her ‘anything, up to half of my kingdom’… the girl went to her mother, who told her to ask for John’s head on a platter.)

    (Yes, Christians believe that Mary’s son was only dead for 3 days, but she was there, standing by the cross when he died.)

    Barely a week after Newtown, it’s hard not to think about those parents who outlived their children.

    Anyway, I ended up yelling a little bit about so-called Christians who would tell parents of dead children that it was their fault their children were dead because we don’t allow prayer in school. But it really was a sermon of mixed emotions, as I think is fitting for the day.

    No manuscript today, so I can’t post the text, but we do record the service for the radio. If you wanted to listen to it you could download the mp3 here. I take great comfort in knowing that you probably won’t.

    I also posted the audio of last week’s "On Newtown" in case you were feeling pretty good about the day and wanted to feel worse, I guess.